6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
You Might Also Like
starting a garage orchestra
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My biological clock is wheezing.
this has to be peak English
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.