*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
How about daylight saves us for once
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.