Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Yup.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
When I grow up, I want to be 16
my favorite genre of twitter
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
This is not me but this is me
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.