@shutupmikeginn: Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista's beard. I have 3 roommates.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when
@sarcasm_inc: Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd. "Look! Hahaha!" yells the Joker. Batman glances up at the jumbotron. GODDAMN the kiss cam.
@Easy_Tiger__: Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don't panic. She's just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.