Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”