*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff