*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?