@dreamthievin: Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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@tastefactory: Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security? "The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out"
@AIcohoIgames: Oh, you've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.
@_davidlucas_: The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
@iamspacegirl: Dog *just lookin at me* Me: go lay down Dog: ok. Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach* Me *wincing*: thank you Cat: damn right thank you