@dreamthievin: Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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@Vodkantots: I really hope my family doesn't give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.
@AustinSommer: If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
@whatmaddness: I'm trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we're on the phone, and everything is awful.
@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.