Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
When you don’t understand how floors work
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.