There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!