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@Scimommy: #ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
@rickygervais: "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
@moose_chocolate: "7 minutes in heaven" but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.
@amishschool: * Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
@Carbosly: [in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.
Him: *breaks down crying