#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
this country is so goddamn polarized
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!