Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
you will never know the true number of layers
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure