@WilliamAder: Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Hit the light. *flicks switch (wrong light) *flicks another (fan) *flicks (disposer) *flicks (nothing) *flicks (some light in Canada)
@TheAlexNevil: Not to brag, but I was voted "Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal" by everyone who has ever met me.
@alwayzintruble: Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..
@CroweJam: The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.