@WilliamAder: Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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@pizzajaynow: People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
@iamburtjarvis: [2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound] "chief, something has brought the boys to the yard" bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
@urgeekisshowing: I'm rockin the 'Barbie doll' look today. No, I didn't dye my hair blonde. I did 4 pushups and now I can't unbend my arms
@QwertyJones3: Wife: You're so lucky, I'm like a trophy wife! Me: Wow, I'd hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.