Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*