Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
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Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.