Bill is short for Billiam
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary