Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Where is your GOD now????
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.