Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?