to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.