Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
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i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars