Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Accurate
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.