Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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so I鈥檓 driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it鈥檚 pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Oh wow, she鈥檚 so whimsical and fun. Ope, I鈥檓 wrong. She鈥檚 just plastered in the middle of the day.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it鈥檚 a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Always…
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[ikea date]
him: let鈥檚 go check out the beds 馃槈
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I鈥檓 probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.