Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Called it
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Yes, this is exactly right
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed