REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
this is how life feels
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!