Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad