REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month