reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
How to draw a duck
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs