reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
You Might Also Like
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?