reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?