Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
is nasa ok
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.