Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in