[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight