@markleggett: Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.
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@squidswards: Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep.
@jackiembouvier: Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won't notice that I'm sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
@johngcaldwell4: Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!
@AnkCoupleTO: Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I've decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand She'll love it