@markleggett: Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.
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@truegritrumble: ME: I'm allergic to suggestions. FRIEND: You should get that checked out. ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You're not the boss of me.
@Fred_Delicious: So won't Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
@david8hughes: [first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?