Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.