Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
do horses think humans are hats
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁