[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
#FunnyLife Insects
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.