[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
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When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah