PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
You Might Also Like
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.