Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
What
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.