@ChaseMit: Republicans, don't forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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@Tommytoughstuff: [High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
@StellaRtwot: Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.
@MindyFurano: Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
@KindOfASmartass: It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you've slept with