Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly