interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I found your tweet-up…
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?