*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.