throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”