@rationalists: Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
@chriscr10571: The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
@SoVeryBritish: Things that cause extreme panic: - Accidentally liking a Tweet - No milk - Unknown numbers - The question "you don't remember me do you?"
@WhiskeySoured: Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. - watching the Olympics with my wife