Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
When someone says you are so lazy