request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
What the hell happened here.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door