*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
You Might Also Like
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids