@TheWadest: *requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: "Where to?"
Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."
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@GrantTanaka: *goes 100mph in Prius *gets pulled over by police Cop: HOW
@dumbbeezie: Yes, autocorrect, that's right. I hate that stupid ditch
@dietredbull: If we had gender equality we'd ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.
@MarlonBrandNO: I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
@KimmyMonte: Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
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