*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.