*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.