what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
*bites zombie*
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.