Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.