If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
cat vs inanimate object
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.